Control vs. Stability

You’re not a control freak.

You’re traumatized.

And somewhere along the way, you turned hypervigilance into a personality trait and called it “being organized.”

Let me say this differently.

You think you want control.

You don’t.

You want stability.

And I know you’re about to argue with me on this because you’ve built an entire life around being the person who has it together, who manages everything, who makes sure nothing falls apart.

But let’s be honest for a second.

How’s that working for you?

Like, actually working. Not the Instagram version. The 3am version when you can’t sleep because your brain is already planning tomorrow, troubleshooting next week, catastrophizing next month.

That’s not you being responsible.

That’s your nervous system still living in a time when the people around you were unpredictable. When love came with conditions. When safety was something you had to earn by being perfect, invisible, or useful.

So you learned to control.

Every variable you could reach. Every outcome you could influence. Every risk you could eliminate.

You became really good at it.

Annoyingly good, if we’re being honest.

But here’s the thing and I’m saying this with so much love, you’re exhausted.

Because control isn’t a life strategy. It’s a trauma response with a LinkedIn profile.

It’s your twelve-year-old self still trying to make an unstable situation stable by sheer force of will. By being better, doing more, anticipating everything.

And that child did an incredible job keeping you safe.

But she’s still driving the car.

Stability is completely different.

Stability isn’t about making the world behave. It’s about knowing you won’t shatter when it doesn’t.

It’s when your body actually believes not just intellectually, but in your bones, that you can handle what comes. Not because you’ve controlled it, but because you trust yourself in it.

You don’t need to know what’s going to happen.

You just need to know you’ll be okay when it does.

Control is gripping the steering wheel so hard your knuckles go white, terrified to look away from the road.

Stability is driving with one hand, music on, knowing curves exist and that’s just… how roads work.

And listen, I know what you’re thinking.

“But Katja, if I stop controlling everything, it’ll all fall apart.”

Will it though?

Or is that just what your nervous system has been telling you since you were small enough to believe it?

Because here’s what I’ve seen over and over: the things you’re controlling? Most of them don’t actually need you to.

They need you to stop strangling them.

Your relationships need space to breathe. Your work needs room for organic solutions. Your body needs permission to rest without earning it.

But you can’t think your way into this.

You can’t strategize yourself from control to stability.

Because control doesn’t live in your rational brain. It lives in your threat response. In the part of you that’s still convinced that if you stop managing everything, the bottom will drop out.

And that part doesn’t care about your logic or your affirmations or your five-year plan.

It only speaks one language: safety.

Felt safety.

The kind that comes when you stop trying to make other people predictable and start building something in yourself that doesn’t collapse when they’re not.

When you stop performing certainty and start embodying resilience.

Most people never make this shift.

They just get better at controlling. Faster spreadsheets. Tighter schedules. More sophisticated anxiety management systems.

They optimize their survival mechanism and call it success.

And then they wonder why they’re still so tired.

Why vacation doesn’t actually help. Why their wins feel empty. Why even when everything goes right, something still feels wrong.

Because your body knows.

It knows the difference between genuine stability and just… really elaborate control.

Stability isn’t passive, by the way.

It’s not “let go and let God” or “good vibes only” or pretending chaos doesn’t exist.

It’s the most powerful thing you can build.

The capacity to remain yourself when everything around you shifts.

To know who you are when the ground moves.

That’s not something you achieve with better planning.

It’s something you become when you finally stop white-knuckling your way through life and let your nervous system learn what safety actually feels like.

Not control.

Safety.

There’s a difference.

And your body has been trying to tell you that for years.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​